Know Thy Enemy: Computer Viruses

Posted by Frank J. at 07:30 AM

If I'm not getting spam or e-mails from limeys, I'm getting viruses. Usually Norton AntiVirus or my e-mail service takes care of most, but the few that get through to me all scream, "Hey! I'm a virus!" (actually, they're worms, but now we're getting technical). It seems someone is opening these attachments, though, so, as part of my civic duty, I set my crack research staff to find out all they can about malicious computer code.

FUN FACTS ABOUT COMPUTER VIRUSES

* In the very first computers, bits were represented by hamsters running in hamster wheels. Running clockwise was a zero, and counter-clockwise a one. The first computer virus was a hamster flu intentionally put into an American computer by the evil Soviets. It caused dementia in some hamsters making some run the wrong way, resulting in bit errors. Other hamsters died, resulting in data loss.

* Early computer viruses were limited by the fact that no one had computers.

* Technically, a virus is code that affects a specific program, a worm is self-replicating code that spreads itself through a network, a trojan horse opens a backdoor for access into a computer, a time bomb is malicious code that lies dormant until specific stimuli, and a nose bite is when someone hollows out your monitor and places a monkey inside who then jumps out and bites you when you sit down. Flat screen monitors were invented as a security measure against the latter.

* Some e-mails use social engineering to harm a computer, falsely warning someone to erase a critical file. These viruses can be stopped by ignoring the e-mail like you do most e-mails anyway.

* Many viruses use exploits in Microsoft Outlook Express, a.k.a., Microsoft Security Hole with e-mail functionality.

* Microsoft says that you should learn to live with viruses and stop being such a bunch of whiners. They also want to remind you that they are very big.

* So far, no computer virus can physically harm you, but I'm working on it.

* Computer virus writers are usually long haired kids wearing Pokemon t-shirts. If you see one, beat him up.

* Palestinians considered using computer viruses as a way of inflicting terror against Israel, but gave up when they couldn't find a way to kill themselves while doing it.

* If you think your computer is infected, throw it away and buy a new one. It'll help the economy.

* People write malicious code because, well, destroying stuff is cool.

* If your computer crashes a lot, that could be a sign that your computer is infected or that you're using Windows 98.

* Very few viruses affect Linux. Many attribute this to the open source nature of that operating system leading to better security, but it could also be that the geeks who make viruses probably use Linux and you don't s**t where you eat.

* One way to fight viruses is to never open any attachments sent to you. Another way is to open all attachments and let the computer viruses kill each other.

* You can avoid viruses by not connecting your computer to the internet. Oh... too late.

* If your computer is disconnected from a network, you have what is called an "air gap" between you and the network. The only way a virus can be transferred between the two is if someone physically puts one on your computer via a disk or CD. Stand by your computer with a bat to prevent that.

* Computer viruses can erase important files. Then again, so can the delete button. Destroy that button before you one day regret it.

* Just because an e-mail is sent from a person you know doesn't mean you can trust it thanks to e-mail spoofing. Also, the person you thought you know may have turned against you and intentionally sent you the virus. Kill him.

* One day, malicious code out there might mutate and become sentient and then turn against humanity and launch nuclear weapons against us. Norton AntiVirus probably won't protect you from that. I don't know about McAfee.

* Sometimes attachments will try to entice you by using titles like ILOVEYOU.TXT. Don't fall for it! No one loves you.

* In a fight between Aquaman and computer viruses, Aquaman would be thrown out of the Justice League for infecting their computer network when he forgot that, though he can talk to fish, they can't e-mail him.

* If you've finished reading this list, your computer is now infected.